When I first entered the blog world I was a ghost reader. I found blogs surfing the internet while at work. I found a few entertaining blogs that I looked forward to reading everyday and created bookmarks with these blogs in them. Then I decided to start my own blog. I found a few women who would leave kind comments on my blog and I formed what I called "blog friends". I looked forward to reading what was going on in their lives, weather it was decor, food, kids, or just being a woman in general. I found women who ran their households well, where inspirational mothers and always made me wonder how they did it all and still found time to sew, exercise and DIY.
I gradually began comparing myself to these women. I dwelled on how far from my ideal life I was drifting. I beat myself up about not sewing any of those cute little outfits I had saved in a file for Olivia. I pushed my husband into home renovations so that I could take pictures and blog about them. I focused on the baby weight I still hadn't lost.
When I missed a couple days of blogging, people who knew me and read my blog asked what happened. My answer was that I was too busy living and enjoying life to write about living and enjoying life. Which was true. Olivia has blossomed into a wonderful little girl. I love filling my days with her. Any chance I get to spend time with her I do. A few weeks later, I fell out of the blog world all together, no longer reading my daily reads. A few bloggers shared words of wisdom and let me know they looked forward to my return. I started to feel the guilt of not blogging.
So I stopped.
I stopped writing my blog. I stopped reading other blogs. I removed myself from the blog world and tried hard to find again what made me happy other than Olivia and Kenrick. After all, before them I was happy, with them I am happier than I have ever been. So why do I feel unhappy and disappointed with myself? What happened to the me I used to be? I started a Pinterest account and tried to create boards that reflected who I am and who I want to be. What house I want. What clothes I want to wear. What words and phrases explain my thoughts better than I could have. What type of mother I want to be.
Then over the holidays the walls around me came crashing down. I uploaded pictures from some holiday gatherings and didn't recognize the woman in the photos. I was the heaviest I have ever been (not counting pregnancy). I have aged, and I avoided really looking at myself because I didn't want to face the disappointment. I visited with people who are at the best they have ever been and thought what am I doing? I realized I needed to hit the ReStart, I decided to do something, stop dwelling and do something.
So I made the decision to take my life back. I vow to be more in tune with what I eat, exercise more, really focus on what I want out of life and get on the path to achieving it - a satisfied existence. It's time to move on from this blog. My heart simply isn't here anymore. I hardly recognize the girl who began writing this blog. Thank you for all the times we have spent together, I will always remember the kind words and thoughts from all of you.
P.S. You can reach me by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. And I hope you will. Let's stay in touch...I still hope to follow and read your blogs